I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
