I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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