You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
