Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
