Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
