Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
