So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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