Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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