The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
