I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
