Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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