I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hippo gnu deer
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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