Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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