wakey wakey hands off snakey
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
