turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
