Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(251): View more from Alabama

I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.

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(607): View more from New York

I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

(1-607): View more from New York

Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well

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(425): View more from Washington

Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls

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