I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'm really busy with my period
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