He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
