cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
