But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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