He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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