I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize