why didn't you poke me back
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
