I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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