my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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