Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
