Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
