I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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