I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize