last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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