i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
