I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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