my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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