She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
