shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize