Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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