I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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