The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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