The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize