I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
