Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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