I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize