My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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