Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize