Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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