Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
