What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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