I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
