whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
