He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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