Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
