You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
