i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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