I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize