i may or may not be watching the land before time
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
