were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
