the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
