The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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