My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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